How to accept — and enjoy — being a “good enough mother”
We’ve heard the saying before: “There is no manual for parenting.”
This kind of sentiment is so important for parents to hear, considering how all-consuming and complex it can be to raise a child. But in the age of bestselling self-help books, online mommy groups, parenting podcasts, and TED Talks, there really are manuals for parenting — arguably too many — and this avalanche of advice can add anxiety to an already overwhelming experience.
So here’s the reminder you might need as a new or expecting parent: There is no perfect way to do this. Not only is that okay — we believe it’s something to be celebrated.
The paradox of perfect parenting
Today’s parents still face similar challenges that concerned parents of the past, including access to affordable healthcare, adequate nutrition, robust education, and lifelong opportunities for their children. But contemporary parents also face new issues that are unique to our current times. According to the U.S. Surgeon General’s recent advisory on the mental health of parents:
“Parents have a profound impact on the health of our children and the health of society. Yet parents and caregivers today face tremendous pressures, from familiar stressors such as worrying about their kids’ health and safety and financial concerns, to new challenges like navigating technology and social media, a youth mental health crisis, [and] an epidemic of loneliness that has hit young people the hardest.”
As this advent of technology can add stressful variables to raising a child, it can also pile pressure onto the parenting experience. The internet has made it easier than ever to connect with other parents, seek advice, and find services. But it has also made it more possible to compare ourselves to other parents, promoting perfectionism in our parenting. Studies show that mothers who engage more with social media tend to compare themselves to others, leading to more symptoms of anxiety and depression and higher levels of stress hormones like cortisol.
In a word, seeing all those glowing posts about babies latching without any trouble and sleeping perfectly through the night while their beautiful mothers find time to clean their homes and manage their other relationships? It’s not helpful, especially since 1 in 8 women reportedly experience postpartum depression after giving birth, and 1 in 5 experience perinatal anxiety.
The good news: You likely don’t have to wait for nationwide reform — nor rely solely on a social media purge — to avoid these very real, very common problems. You may find relief and inspiration with a powerful mindset shift:
“I don’t have to be perfect to be a parent. I can just be good enough for my kid.”
The “good enough mother”
In 1953, pediatrician and psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott published the article Transitional Objects and Transitional Phenomena, which shared important concepts about developmental psychology in children. But it was his illumination of the parenting experience that subverted mid-century illusions of perfection and became a revolutionary way of thinking. Through his substantial work with exhausted, overwhelmed mothers (who didn’t dare admit their feelings of burnout and depression in public), Winnicott coined the term “the good enough mother,” and with it, inspired generations of therapists — and parents — thereafter.
The concept sounds like this: You do your child a huge service by helping them form a sense of reality. And reality isn’t perfect. Your ability to be as responsive as possible for the first months of a child’s life ensures their needs are met. But sacrificing your own needs to give your child the illusion that their needs must always be met — and immediately — can lull them into a false sense of reality. It’s helpful for babies and children to learn patience, disappointment, frustration, and other emotions that arise when they must wait a reasonable time before their needs are satisfied.
As Seleni so beautifully puts it, “Children need their mother (or primary caretaker) to fail them in tolerable ways on a regular basis so they can learn to live in an imperfect world.”
Winnicott’s framework for these tolerable failures is outlined with three key tenets of the “good enough” parent:
- Responsive care
- In the early stages of infant development, it’s important to respond to a baby’s needs, as immediately and completely as possible. This teaches their developing brains that they are safe and loveable, and their needs are not too much for a parent to bear.
- This phase is generally ideal from birth to when your baby is 8 months old.
- Imperfect parenting
- As time goes on, it’s okay — and helpful — to give your child a little time to sit with their feelings until their needs are met. Failing to feed your child for an entire day is not okay. But waiting a few minutes to feed them until you’re off the toilet is simply … well, human.
- Depending on your child’s cognitive and behavioral development, this phase is typically helpful from 8 months to 24 months old.
- Independence
- Later, when your child begins to make choices for themselves, their experience of you as a parent who responded to their needs appropriately — but not always perfectly — gives them a nascent framework to better tolerate discomfort, manage anxiety, and ultimately build their self-esteem. Rather than robbing them of their ability to handle imperfection, your experience as a “good enough” parent gives them the gift of healthy, soft-won resilience.
- Again, depending on your child’s individual development, this phase is often ideal at 24 months old and onward.
So, what does this mean for you?
Above all else, the concept of a “good enough parent” (for mothers, fathers, or primary caregivers of any kind) is one of freedom: You are free to be an imperfect human, even (and maybe especially) while you’re raising a child.
It’s up to you what your ideal parenting structure looks like. And it may change over time, from year to year, and even from child to child. But take solace in the fact that you are not alone in your parenting journey. Comparing yourself to strangers online has some negative consequences for the psyche, but connecting with a devoted care team who have you and your baby’s well-being in mind is crucial for your child’s healthy development — and for your own mental health.
This care team could look like a stellar midwife or OB-GYN who makes themselves available to you and your baby. This could include a helpful pediatrician (and they don’t even have to be a psychoanalyst like Winnicott). Your care team can also include a best-in-class International Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC), who can help you with the many changing needs involved in breastfeeding both before and after you welcome your baby — especially when you’re focused on the “responsive parenting” phase of meeting your infant’s needs quickly and completely. IBCLCs offer you allyship and expert clinical support in an occasionally overwhelming, isolating time.
In addition to your care team, you might also lean on your “village” of helpers. This could include a loving partner who can share the load when you’re feeling particularly imperfect. It might include friends who love you because you’re imperfect. And it might even include your own parent or community who, despite their imperfections, raised you as best they could — and are happy to support you in your parenting experience.
No matter what your care team looks like or where your parenting path takes you, The Lactation Network is here to cheer you on — imperfections and all.
We’re here for you, every step of the way. We work with your insurance to provide in-home, in-office, or telehealth visits with an IBCLC.
